losing control

The idea of losing control is terrifying for many.

Deep down we believe that we need to be in control to survive so when our sense of control is threatens it can undermine our sense of safety and security. Many don’t realise that a fear of flying is often linked to a fear of not being in control; someone else is controlling the plane.

Unfortunately for many this need for control is out of balance and this is where it can lead to problems. At the mild end we have those self-confessed control freaks who like to be the ones who decide what’s going on and who want to take charge of things. Of every thing. While at the extreme end we have people who find it hard to leave the house because of the potential to experience so many things that are outside their control.

This imbalance is a common thread for those who have fears around pregnancy or birth. With my private clients it’s ALWAYS something that we work on together. Always.

It’s easy to see why.

When nature is in control, it means we’re not

Pregnancy and birth is a process that is controlled by nature. Nature decides whether we conceive or or. Nature controls the progress of pregnancy and how the body will change as it creates a new human. Labour itself is triggered by nature and then the pace at which it unfolds is something that nature controls. The whole process from conception to birth is uncontrollable. Sure, we can influence it, but at its very core is something that nature controls.

This is why those with tokophobia, the extreme fear of pregnancy and birth, struggle so much.

Women who suffer from tokophobia will often find the idea of getting pregnancy anxiety-inducing. Putting aside the obvious potential side effect of having sex (and how they fear the outcome), what makes things additionally difficult is the not-knowing around whether the sex has done its job. Are they pregnant or not? The waiting! The not-knowing and the idea that some thing else is in control of whether they are actually pregnant or not.

This sense of not being in control will then hang over them as their pregnancy progresses and as they hurtle towards the birth.

Choosing a c-section is a way of trying to regain control

A need to be in control is one of the reasons that many decide to have a c-section. This is at least something that they can control, despite it meaning that they have to have major surgery.

Of course many choose to have c-sections for other reasons; one being to avoid the potential pain associated with birth. Once again, the experience of pain is thought to be something that can’t be controlled. And for them, at least with a c-section the pain is known quantity that they can prepare themselves for.

The truth is that we can control our experience of pain. This is something that is backed up by science so it’s not to be taken lightly. But if we are to reduce our experience of pain, then we need to reduce our fears and be able to manage our mindset at will. This represents quite a hurdle for those with tokophobia or people who are overrun by fear. But with the right support, it’s something that can be achieved in a very short amount of time (weeks or months).

How can you overcome a fear of losing control?

When I work with my clients privately this is one aspect that tend to spend a lot of time on. And this is because it has many facets and depths.

A fear of losing control might also include fears around;

  • Being out of control?
  • Letting go completely and surrendering to the process of nature?
  • Other people being in control and making bad decisions?
  • Losing a grip on yourself?
  • Uncertainty of how things might pan out?

This will be different for everyone and it will be need to be unravelled before it can be overcome successfully.

If this is something you struggle with then you need ask yourself what this is for you. Figuring this out is the key to overcoming it.

What does it mean to be free of this?

To be truly free of this you need to be able to be IN CONTROL and NOT IN CONTROL simultaneously. yes – at the same time! This is what people find such a struggle as most people are in a place where it’s either one or the other.

There is a part of you that lets go of those things you can’t control. You let go of the need to KNOW … know how it will pan out, know what the plan is etc. You also need to let go of your NEED to be in control and your DESIRE to control things. You also need to let go of any attachment to outcome.

But, you need to remain in control of your state and your emotions, because that is the ONLY thing you can truly control. If you have emotional mastery, then the rest doesn’t matter because you know you can handle it and therefore why try and control it. Then you get to enjoy the ride.

Here is how you can clear your fear of losing control

Once you start having a sense of your fears, write them all down. You can use the Head Trash Clearance Method to clear them. I share this in both my books, Fearless Birthing and Clear Your Head Trash.

This might be very quick for you if your fear is just around losing control. But if you have more going on here – and if you have tokophobia then that is very likely – then you will need identify the other aspects to be truly free of it.

I’ve created a fear clearance meditation for this, but be warned. If you have many different facets to how you feel about losing control, then you will need to figure out what all those are for you and clear those additional things yourself. Only one aspect is covered on my meditation; the fear of losing control. It’s impossible for me to include all potential aspects to this fear on a meditation for the masses. This is why I encourage you to clear your fears yourself. We are all so different.

Find out more about the fear clearance meditation here: Fear Clearance Meditation for a Fear of Losing Control.

If you would like some support with doing this and would like to work with me then this is something we can do as part of the Tokophobia Support Program or the Fearful to Fearless program.

Alexia Leachman
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