This podcast came about as a result of a client session I had a few weeks back. We were talking about control; losing control, being in control and feeling out of control. One of my client’s fears was losing control, which is very common among pregnant women when they think about birth. I myself experienced this too. The thing is, control is quite complex and there are many aspects to it. So if we are to clear this fear we need to do some digging first.
At the end of the session, my client said that this conversation alone gave her a HUGE attitude shift and now SHE GOT IT! So I want to share the key aspects of this conversation with you.
Fear of losing control, and how to overcome it
When it comes to control, there are different aspects to it that I think is worth exploring as the subtle distinctions between them are important.
HAVING control and BEING in control
Firstly there’s the idea of having control or being in control… this typically applies to situations… are you in control of what is happening externally? what people are doing etc. If being in control is very important for you, then when other people have control instead of you, it can can often cause problems, especially if you’re a control freak!
FEELING out of control
This is different from NOT BEING in control. This is an emotion where you FEEL out of control… and this doesn’t necessarily have a bearing on reality. We often hear people say how they felt completely out of control in a particular situation, and yet on the outside it looked like they’d got it together… so this is an emotional response. If this emotion really takes hold, then it often leads to the next one which is
Losing control
Which for many means emotionally losing control, losing a grip, not being able to keep it together. We can see this happening in someone and they might start getting emotional or angry. Or it could mean losing control of their senses or their body… like screaming or grunting.
Someone who FEELS out of control doesn’t necessarily become that person that loses it though.
So why am I sharing this? Well, one fear that crops up time and time again when it comes to birth is fear of losing control. But what does that mean exactly?
What does a ‘fear of losing control’ mean?
If this is one of your fears then I’d like to invite you to give this some thought. If you’re familiar with Head Trash Clearance Method (the technique that I developed to get rid of my fears and anxieties) then you’ll be pleased to know that you can use it to help with this very issue.
But in order to do so, you need to be pretty clear on what you mean by LOSING CONTROL.
- Is it a fear of not being in control of how the birth is going?
- Is it a fear of losing it emotionally and crying, getting emotional in a way that you can’t control?
- Is it a fear of losing control of your body and pooing and weeing everywhere?
- Is it fear of losing control over the decisions being made about your birth? So the medical team retaining control?
What is it for you?
Having a better understanding of the various aspects of control can help us to figure out how to help you get past this. So if this is an issue for you I would urge you to give this some thought and take the time to work on this in advance of your birth.
So why am I urging you to sort this out?
This fear of losing control can only cause problems during birth. For a start it’s a fear and so will have a negative physiological impact on your body during labour and lead to things like a long labour or painful contractions.
Birth requires you to let go; Let go of your need to be in control, let go of your need to control your body, let go of your need to control the situation.
THE ONLY THING you should be focussed on is staying in the birthing zone so that your body can just get on with it.
But it’s not as simple as that.
In fact, birth requires you to be able to play at both ends of the control spectrum simultaneously; at the BEING IN CONTROL END and at the LETTING GO END.
Let me explain.
You need to LET GO of your body fully and surrender all control to your body. It knows what it’s doing. If this is your first birth YOU don’t.. when I say ‘you’, I mean your mind, your ego (that’s responsible for triggering the negative emotions). But your body… with 1000s of years of evolution behind it DOES KNOW!
Your body knows how to birth a baby
You also need to stay in control… of your mind. You need to be in control of your mind so that you’re available to do what needs to be done. For example, if you notice any painful twinges, you need to be alert and with-it enough to alert a midwife, or perhaps it’s a sign for you to refocus your mind back on your breathing and your affirmations and less on your fears and inner chatter.
So you need to let go of your body but be in control of your mind AT THE SAME TIME ….. for hours!
If you’re a control freak, this is not going to be easy for you. Even if you’re not, it won’t be easy. But don’t worry, I’m not talking about this to stress you out and leave you hanging.
How to overcome your fear of losing control
I mentioned earlier that you can use Head Trash Clearance to get over this. Well here are your options for doing that.
The first step in clearing head trash is identifying the thing you want to clear. IN this case it’s your fear of losing control, or surrendering, or letting go – however you feel you want to express that idea.
Once you’ve identified the piece of head trash, you need ONE of the following;
1. The Head Trash Clearance Mantras
This is the script you use to do the clearance. I show you how to prepare this script yourself in my book Fearless Birthing. It’s pretty straight forward and I’ve made it super-easy by providing you with a fill-in-the-blanks template.
At its basic level it’s a script of 10 lines, but you can expand from that if you want a more in-depth clearance, although it’s not necessary. And yes, I give you all the guidance you need in my book.
Despite the fact that I’ve made this super simple, some people do struggle with this bit. Unfortunately this gets in the way of them giving fear clearance a go.
This is why I’m providing 100s of scripts inside The Clearance Club, my Head Trash Clearance membership. I want to make clearance as easy as possible for you.
2. Clearance Audio Track
I’ve created a number of Clearance audio tracks. These are exactly what they sound like. They’re MP3s of me saying the Clearance Mantras, a bit like having a session with me. This means that all you need to do is sit back and listen. You listen to each track as many times as you need to until the head trash has gone. This is usually 2 or 3 times max.
I’ve created a number of these for the most common pregnancy and birth fears I’ve come across and you can find them in my shop here.
Here’s the one for FEAR OF LOSING CONTROL.
3. Work with me
We can work together on your fear of losing control and all your other fears. If you have strong fears around pregnancy and birth, or you suffer from tokophobia, then it’s probable that you have a multitude of fears and conflicts. They’re not always easy or obvious to identify. I’ve been helping people to clear their head trash for over ten years and can spot head trash very easily. This means I can help you identify and clear your fears and anxieties very quickly. Typically, my tokophobia clients are able to overcome their tokophobia in around a month.
Here are the ways that we can work together.
Join the Clearance Club
If you have a fear of losing control, the chances are you’re going to need to dig a bit deeper to unravel it. In my experience, it’s rarely just a case of clearing ONE thing. This is because control is important to all of us; we feel that we need to be in control of our lives to survive and stay safe. To loosen our grip on our need for control is usually needs a bit of work. By that I mean you’ll need to do several clearances and not just the one. The thing is, we’re all different and not everyone needs the same. But from my years of working with women in exactly this I can safely predict what clearances are likely to be required.
So I’ve done all the work for you and created a collection of Clearance Mantras and Tracks to help with this. This Control Collection can be found in my Clearance Club, along with clearance mantras and tracks for many other themes that affect pregnancy and birth:
- Medical fears
- Birth options
- Pregnancy complications
- Decision-making
- Change – to life and body
- Uncertainty
The Clearance Club is a vault of clearance mantras and tracks and it includes clearance collections for all aspects of your life, not just pregnancy and birth. It includes themes like weight, eating, COVID, parenting and there are new themes being added every month.
Find out more about The Clearance Club here.
Alexia supports families planning pregnancy and birth. She helps them to overcome their fears and feel calm and confident about birth and pregnancy.
Alexia also trains birth professionals in the Fearless Birthing, a unique approach to birth preparation that is ideal for those who have fears around birth.
- Erin’s Tokophobia Healing Journey - 6th March 2024
- How Unhealed Tokophobia Can Affect You In Unexpected Ways - 27th February 2024
- Overcoming Birth Trauma: Heather’s Journey to Positive Birth - 14th December 2023
