[from the archives – my first pregnancy}
“Once my pregnancy was confirmed and I had got over the initial shock of it all, a whole new type of scary feeling moved in. Well, a load of them did! Fears, stresses, panic, shock, grief, terror – you name it, I was going through it! But I realised that a lot of those feelings were probably quite normal run-of-the-mill pregnancy ones. You know, money, work, life-will-never-be-the-same-again feelings…. I had a few words with myself, and we agreed that I’m not the only one going through this and that I should just pull myself together.
But, once I’d calmed myself down a bit, I realised that there was this BIG SCARY feeling that didn’t go away. It was more a feeling of terror. The main source of this terror was the giving birth bit.
I was TERRIFIED OF BIRTH!
This thing that was growing inside me was going to be getting bigger and bigger. And at some point, it was going to have to come out. I couldn’t even bare to think about it. Whenever I did permit myself to indulge in this horrific thought, I would have to cross my legs really tight. And scrunch my eyes, as I tried to block out that awful video they show you at school of a woman screaming in agony as she gives birth with blood and other horrid bodily fluids shooting out everywhere! I couldn’t bear it.
Not only that, but every time I read about a birth I would cry, for no particular reason. Just like that. It happened on the tube once; I read about a poor mum who died within days of giving birth to a gorgeous little boy. Next thing you know I’m a sobbing mess. In public! WTF!! Reading pregnancy books had the same effect. I couldn’t read anything to do with labour or childbirth without balling my eyes out. Yup! I had issues! This wasn’t good.
The thing is, part of my work involves helping my clients to clear their head trash so that they can be the best version of themselves. So, this was something that I was going to have to sort out. This was SERIOUS head trash! And it needed clearing out!”
It’s really interesting for me to read this years later as I’m able to really see how much my thoughts and feelings have changed around pregnancy and birth. When I found out I was pregnant this time around, it was nothing like this. It was just pure excitement!