I Thought I Could Ignore My Tokophobia… Until I Had to Make a Choice
Alexia cleared her own tokophobia and developed a method that has helped women clear theirs for more than 10 years.
If you’re reading this, chances are you know that feeling – the gnawing fear that creeps in whenever pregnancy or childbirth comes up. Maybe you’ve always known you were scared of birth, or maybe it’s only just now showing itself, as you watch friends start families, or your partner wonders aloud about the future. For me, it was realising just how much of my life had been shaped by tokophobia, even before I found the words for it. For me, this topic is lived – in the small decisions I made about relationships, in the way I’d freeze at the mere mention of babies, in the heavy uncertainty that hit every time I had to face my own “biological clock”. That’s why this episode of Tik-Tokophobia feels so important. Because the “healing journey” of tokophobia isn’t neat, and it certainly isn’t the same for every woman. Yet these stories, and these experiences, matter – and they deserve to be named out loud.
In this episode, JJ and I open up about the winding, sometimes messy process of healing from tokophobia. We talk about the unspeakable decisions so many women face – like whether to become a mother, whether you can even contemplate being pregnant, or what happens when you’re suddenly faced with those two lines and no-one has ever told you what this fear really is.
What we talk about in this episode
Whether you’re just discovering your fear, have lived with it for years, or have no idea if you’re “allowed” to call it tokophobia, you’ll probably hear something in this episode that resonates. Here are a few of the big themes we explore:
1. There’s no single starting point
For some women, the journey begins with finally finding a name for what’s been wrong – and just naming tokophobia can be a critical first step. For others, it only shows itself when pregnancy becomes a real possibility, or even after you’re already pregnant. There’s no one “right” way to begin addressing this fear – just the place where you are right now.
2. The hidden decisions behind the fear
Tokophobia isn’t the same as “not wanting kids”, although the two can overlap. We talk about what it’s like to not know whether you want children, or if fear has been driving your decisions. That push-pull between longing and dread can show up every month, every time your period arrives, or the subject comes up with your partner. Sometimes we don’t realise until it’s almost too late that the fear was what shaped our path.
3. Tokophobia and identity
This episode dives into how tokophobia can affect other areas of your life, too – your creativity, your sense of purpose, even being seen in your work. I share stories from women who describe feeling freer to create after addressing their birth fears.
4. The winding, non-linear healing journey
We use the metaphor of a train route: everyone gets on and off at different stops, and your journey may involve difficult phases – deciding if you want to try for a baby, working through fears of intimacy, managing panic at each step, or even wrestling with fertility treatments. Wherever you are, you’re not “late” or “behind”. You’re just on your own path, and that’s okay.
5. Wanting support that gets it
Both JJ and I have been infuriated by how little understanding there is among professionals about reproductive anxiety. So many women end up educating their own doctors, or are told their fears are “strange” or simply unheard of. You are not alone – and you shouldn’t have to walk this road without support that sees you.
Why this matters
Whether you’re buried in dread, quietly curious if this is you, or have already tried everything to make the anxiety go away, please know: you’re not crazy, and you’re absolutely not alone. This healing journey can be slow, twisty, surprising, even years in the making – and, as we share in this episode, there are as many ways through as there are women living it. If you’ve ever delayed making a decision because you just couldn’t face pregnancy… If you’ve felt relieved and ashamed at the same time when your period came… If you’ve only just discovered that there’s a name for this fear… This episode is for you.
Listen in and take what you need
This blog post is only a companion – the conversation JJ and I share in the episode holds the honest, unfiltered stories and practical insights that could be the thing that helps you feel less alone. I hope you’ll tune in, take what resonates and remember: there are ways through this, and they start with naming what’s going on. Listen to the episode
If you’re ready to explore further, have a look at our white paper, The Case for Reproductive Anxiety Disorder – it just might help you feel seen in a whole new way.
Where to go from here
Understanding what you’re dealing with is the first step. The free Tokophobia Test takes about five minutes and tells you what you’re facing – no pressure, no scare tactics.
When you’re ready to stop carrying this on your own, the Tokophobia Support Circle is a small monthly community where women who understand make sense of it together, with a live group call each month. For focused one-to-one help, there’s the Tokophobia Support Programme.
Both are run by our partner site Fearless Birthing – founded, like Fear Free Childbirth, by Alexia Leachman. You can also read Alexia’s books, Betrayed By Your Biology and Fearless Birthing.
About the author: Alexia Leachman has specialised in tokophobia and reproductive anxiety since 2015, and has personal experience of tokophobia. She is the founder of Fear Free Childbirth and hosts its podcast. She developed the Head Trash Clearance Method, which she uses in her work with women and teaches to perinatal professionals. She is the author of Fearless Birthing and Betrayed By Your Biology and a contributor to Childbirth, Midwifery and the Media. Alexia cleared her own tokophobia before the birth of her first daughter in 2010. More about Alexia ›
Read next:
- Tokophobia: everything you need to know
- 7 signs of a woman with tokophobia
- Who’s the Tokophobia Support Circle for?
Fear Free Childbirth is a publication and is not a substitute for medical or mental-health care. If you’re struggling to cope or in crisis, please contact your GP, midwife or a qualified professional.
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