When Fear Takes Over: The Abortions We Don’t Talk About
Alexia cleared her own tokophobia and developed a method that has helped women clear theirs for more than 10 years.
Content note: this article discusses abortion and pregnancy loss.
The thing I wish more people knew
Some of the most heartbreaking stories I hear don’t come from women who didn’t want children – but from those who did.
Women who dreamed of motherhood… and still couldn’t continue the pregnancy. Not because they didn’t want the baby. But because the fear felt life-threatening.
This isn’t the kind of thing we talk about openly, is it?
Abortion is already loaded with shame and judgment. But what happens when the abortion was a secret?
When it was wanted, but impossible?
When the reason wasn’t “choice”… but terror?
“It was me or the baby”
She said it quietly, like she was afraid the words might break her again.
“It was me or the baby.”
I’ve heard this sentence more times than I wish I had. Different women. Different lives. Same feeling.
They wanted the baby, but they didn’t think they could survive being pregnant.
Sometimes it was their first.
Sometimes they’d already given birth and couldn’t face doing it again.
Sometimes it wasn’t even about birth; it was pregnancy itself that felt unbearable.
This is what full-body fear can do.
It hijacks everything – logic, love, the future you thought you were building.
It doesn’t feel like a choice
From the outside, it looks like a decision.
From the inside, it’s survival mode.
You’re not thinking. You’re not planning.
You’re not weighing pros and cons or trying to be rational.
You’re just trying to make the panic stop.
That’s what tokophobia can feel like.
The two pink lines show up, and your whole body goes into lockdown.
Some women describe shaking, nausea, tunnel vision.
Others go completely numb.
Some can’t speak.
Some can’t breathe.
All they know is: this cannot happen.
And when it’s that loud – when your whole body is screaming – it doesn’t feel like a choice at all.
It feels like the only way to survive.
The silence that follows
And then comes the silence.
The pretending.
The lies.
The guilt.
The grief no one sees – because no one knows it’s there.
One woman told me,
“My husband thought we miscarried. I told him that because I couldn’t bear to say the truth. I wanted the baby. But I couldn’t stay pregnant. It was either that… or I didn’t know if I’d make it.”
I’ve heard that story, or versions of it, too many times.
Women carrying this impossible mix of love and terror.
And because they didn’t have the words – because we don’t have the words – they carry it alone.
It’s rarely spoken about
If you’re reading this and feeling something stir in your chest – like maybe you know this fear too – please hear me:
You’re not crazy.
You’re not a bad person.
You’re not the only one.
So many women are carrying these stories. And they’re carrying them in silence.
Sometimes they don’t even realise that fear was running the show. They just know they couldn’t cope. They didn’t feel safe.
And now… they don’t know what to do with the ache that’s left behind.
There’s a word for this. But it’s not enough.
Tokophobia.
It’s the clinical name for the intense fear of pregnancy or birth.
But that word can feel too small for what some women are going through.
Too cold. Too clinical.
What I’ve come to see is that there’s something deeper happening here. A kind of body-based fear that, I believe, can be passed down, inherited or conditioned, and that shapes choices, relationships and futures.
And when it’s not seen or named or witnessed, it becomes shame.
And shame isolates.
What if there’s nothing wrong with you?
What if your body is trying to protect you?
What if your reaction makes sense?
What if you’re not crazy – you’re just scared, and no one ever gave you a way to talk about it?
That’s why I wrote my book.
Betrayed By Your Biology isn’t just about fear. It’s about how silence can damage us. And how understanding what’s really going on can be the start of healing.
If this is you… you’re not alone
If this is your story – or a version of it – please know this:
You don’t have to carry it alone anymore.
There are ways to work on the fear.
There is support.
There are words.
And even if it feels like the most vulnerable thing in the world, telling the truth of your story can be the most powerful step you ever take.
You are so not alone.
Alexia
Want to keep exploring?
If this resonates with you, you might want to: Read more about my book Betrayed By Your Biology
If this has brought up difficult feelings, please talk to your GP, midwife or health visitor, or call NHS 111. You can call Samaritans free, 24 hours a day, on 116 123. If you’re outside the UK, contact your local emergency services.
About the author: Alexia Leachman has specialised in tokophobia and reproductive anxiety since 2015, and has personal experience of tokophobia. She is the founder of Fear Free Childbirth and hosts its podcast. She developed the Head Trash Clearance Method, which she uses in her work with women and teaches to perinatal professionals. She is the author of Fearless Birthing and Betrayed By Your Biology and a contributor to Childbirth, Midwifery and the Media. Alexia developed the reproductive anxiety disorder (RAD) framework, which looks at fear and anxiety across a woman’s reproductive life. It is not a clinical diagnosis. More about Alexia ›
Fear Free Childbirth is a publication and is not a substitute for medical or mental-health care. If you’re struggling to cope or in crisis, please contact your GP, midwife or a qualified professional.
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