I used to believe I just wasn’t “the maternal type”. That something in me was hard-wired wrong — why else would the idea of pregnancy or birth send shockwaves of fear through my body?
But what if the real story started long before I was ever old enough to know the word tokophobia? What if it started at my very first breath?
This episode of the Tik-Tokophobia podcast is one of the most personal and revealing we’ve ever done. It matters to me because, like many women, I spent years either not knowing what was wrong — or thinking my fear was something to be rationalised away. It affected my choices, my identity, and the way I moved through life.
If any of that rings true for you, I hope you’ll feel a little less alone after reading this (and even more so after listening).
Did Your Own Birth Leave a Mark?
In this episode, JJ and I dive headlong into the question nobody ever asks:
Could the terror you feel about birth actually come from the way you yourself were born?
We talk about something that still makes people uncomfortable — the idea that babies experience trauma during birth, and that the body remembers it, whether your mind does or not.
Both of us, as it happens, trace the root of our own tokophobia not to something that happened to us as adults, but to our earliest, most vulnerable moment: our own births.
There’s so much to this subject, and we only start to scratch the surface today.
We share very different experiences — one of us grew up knowing our birth had been traumatic, the other had to piece together the truth without any family stories for reassurance.
But what we came to see is how much the past can echo into the present, even if you’ve never been told how your story began.
Here’s what we explore in this episode:
1. The Hidden Trauma You Might Never Have Known About
Whether your birth as a baby was straightforward or frightening, your body may have soaked up stress, fear, or even outright terror — and stored it deep.
JJ tells a harrowing story about being born with the cord around her neck and whisked away from her mother immediately. All of it — the loss, isolation, sheer panic — rooted itself somewhere, only coming out decades later when faced with pregnancy. It’s the sort of revelation that can make everything suddenly make sense in your own timeline.
2. Grief, Anger, and Sabotage — The Aftershocks of Unseen Fear
It’s not just about the panic before birth. The effects ripple out for years. We talk honestly about how unprocessed birth trauma can twist its way into other parts of life: self-sabotage, anger you can’t quite place, feeling stuck or unable to finish the things that matter most to you.
Sometimes, the very thing that stops you in your tracks started with an experience you never consciously remember.
3. The Missing Link in Mental Health Conversations
Why is it that traditional therapy, psychology, or even well-meaning friends rarely ask, “What happened when you were born?” We pull apart why birth is casually left out of the mental health conversation. I argue — and I stand by this fiercely — that if your therapist isn’t asking about birth and gestation, something is being missed.
This isn’t “woo”, it’s common sense: the most significant transition of your life deserves attention when we talk about trauma, anxiety, and who we become.
4. It’s Your Birth — Not Just “Birth Trauma”
There’s incredible confusion in the way tokophobia is defined, even by professionals. Is primary tokophobia the fear that comes before ever giving birth? Is secondary after a difficult delivery? The conversation gets muddy because we forget to ask about each woman’s own birth experience, not just the one she’s expected to give.
We need language for this — because when you understand your fear doesn’t mean you’re broken, just that something old needs tending, it changes everything.
For You, If You Feel Alone in This
If you grew up being told your birth was “fine”, or you don’t know anything about it, that’s okay.
If you’ve ever felt panicked, trapped, or completely overwhelmed at the thought of pregnancy — and couldn’t for the life of you explain why — I want you to know none of this is your fault.
You are not imagining it.
You’re not too sensitive, too dramatic, or “just anxious”.
You’re a woman whose story has a beginning, even if you don’t remember every word of it.
This episode is about making space for the part of you that wonders, “Did something happen to me?” It’s an invitation to reflect, to feel what rises up, and to know that healing is real — because both JJ and I have lived it.
If you find yourself moved by any of this, I hope you’ll listen to The Root of Toko. The whole picture is waiting for you in the conversation — and your own story might feel a little clearer after you’ve heard ours.
👉 Listen to TT Ep 5 – The Root of Toko
With understanding and solidarity,
Alexia x
If you’re curious about how birth shapes reproductive anxiety, or if you want to dive deeper, our podcast is backed by resources like “The Case for Reproductive Anxiety Disorder” and the RAD Responsible™ initiative. Find out more at tik-tokophobia.com — and remember, there is nothing wrong with you that understanding and the right support cannot begin to heal.
Alexia supports families planning pregnancy and birth. She helps them to overcome their fears and feel calm and confident about birth and pregnancy.
Alexia also trains birth professionals in the Fearless Birthing, a unique approach to birth preparation that is ideal for those who have fears around birth.
- When Fear Takes Over: The Abortions We Don’t Talk About - 30th September 2025
- Tokophobia and Relationships - 22nd July 2025
- I Thought I Was Just Anxious — Until I Learned What Tokophobia Was - 17th July 2025
