The Thing I Wish More People Knew
Some of the most heartbreaking stories I hear don’t come from women who didn’t want children – but from those who did.
Women who dreamed of motherhood… and still couldn’t continue the pregnancy. Not because they didn’t want the baby. But because the fear felt life-threatening.
This isn’t the kind of thing we talk about openly, is it?
Abortion is already loaded with shame and judgment. But what happens when the abortion was a secret?
When it was wanted, but impossible?
When the reason wasn’t “choice”… but terror?
“It Was Me or the Baby”
She said it quietly, like she was afraid the words might break her again.
“It was me or the baby.”
I’ve heard this sentence more times than I wish I had. Different women. Different lives. Same feeling.
They wanted the baby, but they didn’t think they could survive being pregnant.
Sometimes it was their first.
Sometimes they’d already given birth and couldn’t face doing it again.
Sometimes it wasn’t even about birth; it was pregnancy itself that felt unbearable.
This is what full-body fear can do.
It hijacks everything — logic, love, the future you thought you were building.
It Doesn’t Feel Like a Choice
From the outside, it looks like a decision.
From the inside, it’s survival mode.
You’re not thinking. You’re not planning.
You’re not weighing pros and cons or trying to be rational.
You’re just trying to make the panic stop.
That’s what tokophobia can feel like.
The two pink lines show up, and your whole body goes into lockdown.
Some women describe shaking, nausea, tunnel vision.
Others go completely numb.
Some can’t speak.
Some can’t breathe.
All they know is: this cannot happen.
And when it’s that loud – when your whole body is screaming – it doesn’t feel like a choice at all.
It feels like the only way to survive.
The Silence That Follows
And then comes the silence.
The pretending.
The lies.
The guilt.
The grief no one sees — because no one knows it’s there.
One woman told me,
“My husband thought we miscarried. I told him that because I couldn’t bear to say the truth. I wanted the baby. But I couldn’t stay pregnant. It was either that… or I didn’t know if I’d make it.”
I’ve heard that story, or versions of it, too many times.
Women carrying this impossible mix of love and terror.
And because they didn’t have the words — because we don’t have the words — they carry it alone.
This Isn’t Rare. It’s Just Rarely Spoken.
If you’re reading this and feeling something stir in your chest – like maybe you know this fear too – please hear me:
You’re not crazy.
You’re not a bad person.
You’re not the only one.
So many women are carrying these stories. And they’re carrying them in silence.
Sometimes they don’t even realise that fear was running the show. They just know they couldn’t cope. They didn’t feel safe.
And now… they don’t know what to do with the ache that’s left behind.
There’s a Word for This. But It’s Not Enough.
Tokophobia.
It’s the clinical name for the intense fear of pregnancy or birth.
But honestly? That word can feel too small for what some women are going through.
Too cold. Too clinical.
What I’ve come to see is that there’s something deeper happening here. A kind of body-based fear that lives in our cells, not just our thoughts. Something passed down. Inherited. Conditioned. A fear that shapes choices, relationships, futures.
And when it’s not seen or named or witnessed, it becomes shame.
And shame isolates.
What If There’s Nothing Wrong With You?
What if your body isn’t broken?
What if your reaction makes sense?
What if you’re not crazy — you’re just scared, and no one ever gave you a way to talk about it?
That’s why I wrote my book.
Betrayed by Your Biology isn’t just about fear. It’s about how silence can damage us more than anything else. And how understanding what’s really going on can be the start of healing.
If This Is You… You’re Not Alone
If this is your story – or a version of it – please know this:
You don’t have to carry it alone anymore.
There is a way to clear the fear.
There is support.
There are words.
And even if it feels like the most vulnerable thing in the world, telling the truth of your story can be the most powerful step you ever take.
You are not broken.
You are not beyond healing.
And you are so not alone.
Alexia 💜
Want to keep exploring?
If this resonates with you, you might want to: Read more about my book Betrayed by Your Biology
Alexia supports families planning pregnancy and birth. She helps them to overcome their fears and feel calm and confident about birth and pregnancy.
Alexia also trains birth professionals in the Fearless Birthing, a unique approach to birth preparation that is ideal for those who have fears around birth.
- When Fear Takes Over: The Abortions We Don’t Talk About - 30th September 2025
- Tokophobia and Relationships - 22nd July 2025
- I Thought I Was Just Anxious — Until I Learned What Tokophobia Was - 17th July 2025
