For most of my adult life, I thought I just had shaky mental health. Constant anxiety, bouts of depression, even a good dose of OCD at times — all of it seemed to come and go without warning, sitting underneath everything I did. But no matter how “together” I looked on the outside, there was always something simmering underneath: a deep, gnawing fear I could never quite name.
It wasn’t until much later — after loss, years of confusion and a mountain of inner work and healing — that I finally discovered the word tokophobia: the severe, and often hidden, fear of pregnancy and birth. I realised, with both shock and relief, that there was a name for what I had lived with for so long.
That’s why this episode of Tik-Tokophobia matters so much to me.
In “How Tokophobia Shapes Your Mental Health”, JJ and I open up about the sometimes invisible ways tokophobia shapes our wellbeing. Not just our relationship to babies or birth — but our whole sense of feeling safe in the world, and even our ability to connect deeply with others.
If you’ve ever wondered why you feel so “on edge” around certain topics, or if you’ve struggled silently with feelings of dread, I hope this conversation brings you both validation and hope.
What We Talk About in This Episode
Whether you’re tuning in for the first time, or you’ve been living with these fears for decades (like both me and JJ), here’s what you’ll find in this episode:
When Mental Health Struggles Start With Tokophobia
JJ reflects on not discovering her own tokophobia until her late sixties (!), and how understanding it at last made sense of a lifetime of low-level anxiety and dissatisfaction.
I share my own story of battling ongoing anxiety and depression, only to realise that much of it stemmed from this unspoken fear — a fear I didn’t even know had a name until after I’d given birth myself.
The Cascade Effect: How One Fear Fuels the Rest
We look at how tokophobia can act as a kind of “apex predator” of our mental health. For some women, it feeds other problems like OCD, depression, or generalised anxiety.
JJ describes that ever-present knot of anxiety in her solar plexus — and how it only faded once she finally named and worked through her tokophobia. I see the same in many of my clients: once we address the root fear, everything else often softens or even disappears.
Hiding in Plain Sight: Life Triggers and Social Isolation
The everyday reality isn’t just about panic at the thought of pregnancy. It’s also about the constant triggers: baby showers, seeing pregnant women, casual questions from friends or family. We talk honestly about the isolation — why some women pull away from friends (even without knowing why), how social groups can shrink, and the quiet shame of not being able to “just join in”.
For some, it’s hiding relief after miscarriage; for others, it’s the deep grief of a friendship lost when we can’t talk about what we’re going through.
Why Words (And Validation) Matter
One thing that comes up again and again: the relief and hope that comes when you finally discover there’s a name for what you’re feeling. Without language, we can’t seek support. We talk about how the medical system sometimes fails to see or hear women with tokophobia, and why that adds layers to the pain — but also why finding your “tribe” is the first real step towards healing.
This Isn’t Just About Having Babies — It’s About Your Mental Health
I want you to know that if you see yourself in these stories, you are not broken and you are not alone. Being triggered by pregnancy, birth or even happy family announcements isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s your nervous system asking for safety, for understanding, for truth.
You deserve the words. You deserve support. And you deserve to feel whole again.
This post is a companion to our full podcast episode, where JJ and I go deeper into the lived experience — the stories, the laughter, the aches, and what healing actually looks like. It’s honest, a little raw, and at times, painfully familiar for anyone with tokophobia (or anyone who’s ever wondered “what’s wrong with me?”).
👉 Listen to “TT03 – Toko and Mental Health” here:
If you’re struggling, remember — there’s a growing community of women who truly get it. And if you want to understand more about why this matters (or you’re supporting someone you love), I invite you to listen, reflect, and reach out. There’s so much power in finally being seen.
With all my warmth, Alexia x
P.S. — If you want to dig even deeper, I’ve written about this in my white paper The Case for Reproductive Anxiety Disorder, and the RAD Responsible™ initiative is there for professionals and storytellers who want to do better by women with these hidden fears. Explore, connect, and never hesitate to ask for the support you need.
Alexia supports families planning pregnancy and birth. She helps them to overcome their fears and feel calm and confident about birth and pregnancy.
Alexia also trains birth professionals in the Fearless Birthing, a unique approach to birth preparation that is ideal for those who have fears around birth.
- The Root of Toko: What If the Fear Didn’t Start With You? - 10th June 2025
- JJ’s Tokophobia and Its Hidden Impact on Creativity and Relationships - 3rd June 2025
- I Thought I Was Just “Anxious” — Then I Found the Real Root - 27th May 2025
